POST: JUNE 26, 2011 - | BACK TO OTHER POSTS

My body hurts. I hate to start off my latest blog with complaints, but right now I need to vent a little. That’s what I love about blogging. I don’t have to water-down my words anymore like I did when I was in television. I get to sit behind my computer and write about my thoughts. I don’t get emails about what I’m wearing or how my hair looks. There’s no more worrying about who’s watching, who might get offended by what I say, or who may not like me. Back then my job depended on me worrying about things like that. Now, I can tell it like it is.

Anyway…back to me venting. My feet, ankles, knees, hips… pretty much everything except my ears… HURT. Part of this is due to the fact that I’ve had to practice on a hardwood floor over the last few weeks as I get closer to competition, and this becomes a challenge the leaner I get. You’d think the pain would be the worst part, but it’s actually the mental aftermath that beats me up the most. The pain I feel (now on a daily basis) challenges my mind. It tests me in so many ways. In fact, this weekend it was so overwhelming I lost it. I performed my routine, and when I was finished I ached all over. While feeling this, I thought about how I had to train legs after I was finished with routine practice, and that’s when it happened. I started crying. Straight up, all out, in the middle of the gym, full-on crying. I was exhausted, I had a meal of tilapia and greens to look forward to, I was hurting all over, and I had to somehow train the largest muscle group of my body. Call me what you want, but the thought of it all felt torturous. I sat on the gym floor while my poor boyfriend tried to console me. I felt bad because he was talking to a brick wall. I allowed negativity to consume my body, and it made it impossible to hear is positive words. I couldn’t figure out how to dig myself out of the hole. I felt overwhelmed by the pressure that’s been mounting over months and months of preparation. It’s all coming to a head as my first national show is now only two weeks away. My draining thoughts were bearing down so hard on my shoulders that it made me explode. However, I do think my pansy-fest was just what I needed. So often I hold everything inside as I feel that I always have to be strong. I tell myself to suck it up, and keep moving forward. This past weekend, my body told my mind that my tough-chick attitude wasn’t going to happen. It was okay to break down, sit on the gym floor, and cry like a little baby.

After about 15 minutes, I managed to get a protein shake down, stand up, and take a deep breath. How the hell am I supposed to train legs after that? I felt emotionally and physically drained. That’s where my number one supporter came in to save the day. Usually Josh and I don’t train together, because we are both personal trainers and both think our way is the best way. He patiently sat through my crying spell, and then simply said he wanted to help me through my leg work-out because “I needed it.” Wow, that definitely made me start to feel better. I agreed, and prepared myself because, well, my man doesn’t mess around on “leg day”. As we went through each rep, with my mascara still running under my eyes, my mind-set began to change. I zoned out to the beat of my angry rock music as I put all of my stressful thoughts into tearing up my legs. It was time to train; time to train HARD. In that moment, there was no room for tears, feelings or negativity. Before I knew, it was over, and my legs felt like they were bleeding. It felt good, and I had regained my spark and was ready to tackle the next two weeks head-on. My positive thinking switch was back on!

This is just one example of the many rides competition can throw at you. If you don’t hold on tightly the train you’re riding on can de-rail at any moment. I believe competing in this sport allows you to become stronger; not only on the outside but even more so on the inside. Just a week ago, Josh went through a rollercoaster of his own. We traveled down to California as it was time for him to step on stage at the Southern California Championships. Josh has had one heck of a time in his competition prep. He went through 20 weeks of dieting, and some pretty intense carbohydrate manipulation. He completed hours and hours of cardio, his carbs were much lower than last year, and he went through all of this while being a full-time student and business owner. In fact, his depletion week fell on the same week as finals. Yuck! Needless to say, I was impressed by how he handled it all. When we finally made it to San Diego, he felt ready. He was 10lbs heavier, leaner, and much bigger than last year. His physique was at its personal best, and I couldn’t wait to see him step on stage. I was sure that Josh had a good chance at winning the entire competition, but when he was in the second call-out my heart sank and I sat there confused. What the heck happened? He out-conditioned most of the guys on stage, and has killer size and symmetry. So, why did he end up in 6th place out of 12?! It was a kick to the gut, but it also proved to me that Josh is a true competitor. Sure he was initially upset, but as soon as he got home he was ready to plan his attack for the following year. He picked his pride up off the floor, and is now even more determined than he was before his show. As many of you know, and have probably heard before, you can’t focus on your placing. This is a SUBJECTIVE sport, and you are judged by people with individual opinions. Therefore, if you focus on your placing you are setting yourself up for failure. Instead, I believe in focusing on the journey, and all the positive improvements you’ve made to get to the stage. Like I’ve said before, positive thinking is a powerful thing. Focus on how you’ve improved yourself as a human being. By doing so you will get first place one day, and you’ll own it with pride because you know how many times you had to get knocked down to get there. It’s like Rocky says, “It ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” In my eyes, that’s what makes a true champion, and I couldn’t be more proud of Josh.

The rest of our San Diego trip proved to be the break that we both needed. We were able to relax on the beach for a few hours, explore our old stomping grounds, and share a few cheat meals with old friends (while I watched and stuck to my diet, of course.) We also scheduled a photo shoot with a dear friend of mine, and had a blast in the gym and on the cliffs of La Jolla. It was nice not having a structured schedule of things to do.

Thinking back about the week we’ve both had I can’t help but notice how instrumental your mind can be through this whole process. My sister helped reinforce this thought after she happened to call me right after my draining experience at the gym this weekend. She told me you can’t worry about the “what-ifs” or the “I’m-not good-enoughs.” If you believe in something hard enough there is no other option than for it to happen, and that goes for both negative and positive situations. Imagine yourself succeeding. Believe in your choices, and it’s only a matter of time before your thoughts become reality.

There are so many people I run into who don’t know a thing about this sport, and just see it as a bunch of oiled-up overly-tanned people who want to show off. This sport isn’t about that. Sure, the stage is a place where you are judged on what you’ve worked so hard to build, but it’s only a small part of the experience. Anyone who thinks differently… I challenge you to give it a try. I guarantee you; most aren’t mentally strong enough to make it to the stage. While my body has changed drastically over the last four years of my life, my mind has changed even more. It’s given me the courage to never give up, even when I feel like throwing a fit in the gym. It’s given me the strength to prove to people who tell me I can’t… they’re wrong. It’s given my heart the drive to push me forward when my mind tells me there’s nothing left. For me, the sport is a mental journey, and positive thinking can change everything. It’s how I got up and trained legs after my breakdown this weekend. It’s how Josh was able to look at his placing, and instead of it making him want to quit, it makes him want to work harder.

Giving power to negative thoughts can stop you from reaching your goals… whether it’s to make it to the stage or simply make healthier choices. I’m not perfect, and I struggle with finding the positive in certain situations sometimes. However, I make a point to keep pushing through as I know giving up is not an option, and I‘ll eventually find my old positive self again. The next two weeks I’m focusing on staying positive and imagining success. In this sport there’s only one way to move, and that’s forward. We all have bad days. There are some who use bad days as an excuse to give up, and there are others who use bad days as fuel to make tomorrow better. The choice is yours.

“Sometimes the mental struggle can be harder than the physical, but at the end of the day both are worth the battle when you're fighting for your dreams. Positive thinking is a powerful thing.”---Me